Good afternoon all fellow shipmates at Reliance Entertainment. I am about to share a BIG secret with you all that I dreamt about a few nights ago in my sleep, and thought it would be a great (Big) strategy for the Reliance…Reliance Entertainment will now do everything in a BIG way... ummm... because in the past we haven't really.
Its good for shareholders and very good for the company and stocks. It really doesn’t matter if we profit or not. Just do BIG things. Open BIG ventures and subsidiaries. Hire BIG people. Get into BIG areas. Just be BIG and make people “think” we are BIG.
Yah... so what if Zapak loses money and has a crappy and almost non-existant business model. So what if the people working at BIGAdda have no clue on what exactly we are doing. As long as the word stays within the company – and our clueless-ness remains inside … who the heck cares?
Just make a BIG gaming site with BIG number of games and BIG prizes. That should give us BIG revenues.
Lets spend 10000 crore rupees of shareholders and the public to run this humongously BIG advertisement campaign for BIGflix, BIGadda, BIGbai… etc.
If we put in Rs 10000 crores in advertisements, we’ll definitely make BIG money.
Its ok, as long as the media feel and experience the BIG wave of companies we throw at them – even though 90% of them are just not interested. Its fine, because MyBigStreet will see all this and talk a lot – which is BIG for my share price.
Lets just do the BIG-FM thing too. Who cares if we profit or not. Lets get our BIGfoot into every entertainment area we can. I don’t really care on the revenue model for BIGAdda or Zapakitatoolee or BIGflixee.
As long as we get users and eyeballs and get the attention of every businessman and beggar in India – we’ll “probably” break even and turn profitable in 5 years… ummm… no make that 10 years… ugh. No wait! Make that 25 years… shooot.. actually ..lets just not set a target. It will happen soon!
Just “Trust” me.
I know what I am doing with the BIG Internet and I know I can rule the Internet. Just like BigGates is rooling it in America. I can rool the Internet too.
Oh yah.. and lets hire people who are clueless in this thing called Online Media… and pay them in 6 to 7 figures in dollars and give them a flat to stay – with a fiber optic Internet connection from our very own in-house BIG bandwidth provider, so they can watch videos all day on BigAdda (thereby increasing its traffic and hitz). Plus, when they want to take breaks – they can learn and master this Internet Media stuff in two weeks flat. I have a user manual that I wrote in the bathroom called – “Dummies Guide to Ruling the Internet at Reliance in 2 weeks flat and if that does not wake you up then don’t read this book… Read my other book which has a Shorter Title. See the backside for more clues. Hint, its called Dummies Guide to writing books with Shorter Titles.”
And, please, please we need to call Big-B. There’s this very new thing I discovered just yesterday while surfing… its called “blogsing”. Its this great way where people can sing online – very easily without any background or course in singing.
I want BigB Saabh to come to my BigAdda and blogsing for my Big Company. We’ll tell everyone that BigB is doing it for no money (free)… because free is good. But, just buy him a private jet exactly like the one I got for my wife... or actually not as big, or she will scratch it all over. Just make sure its big, but not as big. And, please keep the specifics of this singing deal under cover. People should think it’s a free deal done out of goodwill (BIGwill).
It will create buzz, plenty of readers, eyeballs, interesting comments and every desi across the globe will now come to my personal BigAdda. Which is excellent for branding. Plus we can put those Google Ads on the blog and website – and that will earn us some few thousand rupees – which we can put into our savings account incase it rains heavily and I need to buy an umbrella next monsoon …so I don’t get wet while standing in the bus stop.
One more important thing… keep pumping in money every day and every night to make the daily number of visitors to my BigAdda online destination go up and up and up! Forget about the growth happening by word of mouth or that thing they called viral growth on the Internet. That’s all BS and I don’t believe in it. Just keep spending on media ads and make sure the curve looks BIG ! and keeps growing and growing. Every desi in every village should come to my BigAdda website even if they don’t have a computer and have to walk to it !
Just buy as many ads as you can on Google and anyway those desi villagers who are setting up websites will also make BIG money by putting my BIG ads on their small websites. And that my shareholder friend will spread the word across BIG India.
This will surely impress all my fellow desi shareholders who are located worldwide including all those ABCDEFGHI’s. I don’t care how many repeat visitors or registered users we have to our dot com portals or even if BIGgates has failed to do exactly just this… just keep increasing that thing they call … “hitz”?
Yah, just make the hitz ... BIG!
And while we are talking about BIG Hitz… I want to make partnership with that Speilberg firangi chap. And George Looney, and Niki in the Cage, and definitely Big Pitt (he’s soo Big.. which is good for brand “big” nah?). Oh yah… that funny guy called Jim Curry too. Lets sign them all so our portfolio looks Big. If they want a few million quid – send my briefcase with hard rokda paisa in fake dollars (they’ll never tell its as fake is our big stock prices). That will impress them Americans. And, once this is done, lets make 420 movies every year. That’s a BIG number! Forget the flops and the money losers… as long as we make a couple of BIG hitz and we are abouve the 1% success rate of Bollywood Junkbusters – I think shareholders will be happy and market will be satisfied.
We can also rent out movies and stream them via video on demand to people at the cost of a bhel puri. So, do you think they will watch a movie or eat a bhel puri? Good question, right? I think they will watch the movie and steal the bhel puri from my next bhel puri franchise chain of stores. What they heck – why let them steal it... give one bhel puri away for free to all those who watch the movie.
Who cares if we have profits or not, or if our bhel puri tastes as good as Gateway of India’s bhel puri… as long as we have a BIG bhel puri shop – we can beat any player in any market and forget about profits, because …
the bottom line mantra is BIG BIG BIG !
Conclusion: Lets also buy a top level domain called dotBIG .big – that would be the best branding we can do as long as the Internet stays alive and we don’t buy it out. I think this is the biggest idea to date… unless of course Merriam Websters dictionary lets us buy the word BIG … for about 2 gazillian crores?
